If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
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