no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
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it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
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