Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Lo siento on account of my penis...
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
