I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize
