I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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