I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
We had sex on a dog bed..
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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