Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'm like, not good at living.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
