I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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