not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Can you bring me the toilet please
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
