What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
