So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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