That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
