I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
