You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
