I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
