The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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