He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
