I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
