What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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