I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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