Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Please don't give away my fajitas
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
