I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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