how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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