I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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