we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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