Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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