He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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