and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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