Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Randomize
