I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
