OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
