I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
