he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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