Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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