You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
