My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I can't put those talents on a resume
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Randomize
