dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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