my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
