The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
