omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
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I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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