Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
