At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
These 19 Underage Drinkers Epicly Got By With A Horrible Fake ID
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.