Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
