wanna go halves on a baby?
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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