using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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