he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize