not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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