she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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