a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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