Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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