I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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