I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Randomize
