I think I died a long time ago.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
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