How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
