Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
So much Jack, so little girl.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
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