i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
