When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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